Entry 107

Third wolf in a row.

Thoughts

I close my eyes and imagine.

I let my thoughts take control.

They overtake me, and become my dreams.

My nightmares.

For the longest time, the only thing I could do

Was let them be.

I would try to ignore them.

I'd wake up in the morning,

Recalling visions of their horrors,

And silently pull myself up

And hope I'd forget about them soon.

Trembling, suffering silently,

I'd let life run its course.

There was nothing I could do.

Things could only get worse and worse.

I've never told anyone.

Day after day,

I try and be my best.

I try and smile for everyone.

That's what they want to see.

No one wants to deal with me

And my problems;

So I don't force them upon them.

I take a deep breath

And bottle everything up.

One horrendous thing after another

Is added to the pile

And I carry it,

A burden putting all its weight on my shoulders.

Was there really a time

When I was truly happy?

I believe there was.

But my memory is a bad one

And things don't stick around for long.

But I'm not one to take pride in

Wallowing in my own misery 

And beg for pity from others.

I am too arrogant for that.

There are times when I am very happy.

My friends make me happy,

And being around them

And my family members makes life enjoyable.

But I can never escape the haunting.

The happiness is only temporary

And will eventually fade away.

In the end, I am always reminded of

Everything in life I have to be ungrateful for.

Why am I this way?

I try to be optimistic.

I try to forget everything that bothers me

And look at the bright side of things.

Sometimes, I really do.

But I always remember what there is in life

That I hate;

And when I hate, I really hate.

A burning passion,

Fiery and resentful,

Burns within my soul

For everything I dislike in the world.

It's an effect of the burden

I carry from the nightmares

That I live with day to day.

And now I am scared.

These burdens are disrupting my life.

They're changing me, and I hate change.

I've never shown anyone who I truly am.

Because I'm afraid.

I want to be completely myself around others.

But I can't.

I carry a silent burden.

I let all the hate,

All the misery,

Gather up inside me.

And I take it out on myself.

And I hate myself.

Because in the end,

That's all there is left to blame.

I don't know how to cry out for help.

I don't know what kind of help I even need.

I'm just miserable.

I don't even know why anymore.

I enjoy thinking,

But thinking makes me miserable.

It gives my nightmares.

I'd like to be able to ponder things again

Without becoming so sad.

Every time I open my mind to the world

And let my mind wander,

The thoughts come back to haunt me

And make me depressed.

I used to love deep thought so much before 

I realized it was the cause of all my problems.

My nightmares.

Do I need help?

What is wrong with me?

Why are my own thoughts slowly killing me?

But I don't know what to do.

Suffering silently is all I've done

So it's all I know.

"Thoughts," (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 22nd, 2011