Entry 112

My mind has been blown.

Hidden

I can never reveal myself

Because I'll ruin everything.

Everything we have is great,

Just the way it is.

I won't let myself ruin it.

I myself say I'm a hater of change;

Therefore I shouldn't want

To come out of the shadows

And introduce myself to the world

As what I am,

Or want to be.

Sit back and let things flow on their own.

Lie low, and stay hidden

In the shadows.

"Hidden," (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 27th, 2011

Entry 111

Such a pretty picture.

Falling Apart

I can remember the days when everything was perfect;

So distant now, but close enough to still be painful.

Life had no problems whatsoever,

And I was still a child,

So innocent to the harshness of the world.

But now I am older

And things are falling apart.

As a child I always saw my parents as one team,

And now they're split up.

There's unemployment, foreclosure, and deadlines

That we have to battle every day.

Why can't I go back to that time?

Why can't I get a second chance,

And be able to appreciate that innocence properly?

I want my old life back again,

And it's one of the most painful things to experience:

Being forced through change.

Change that was uninvited, unwanted.

And I can never have it back.

What am I supposed to do?

"Falling Apart," (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 26th, 2011

Entry 110

Rain~

Rely

Times are tough.

No one's doubted that.

Everyone is tired and anxious and worried,

And all we can do is bicker with each other.

How am I going to escape?

Throw on my smile,

And act like nothing happened.

But it only works for a while.

Thank God I've got someone to rely on

To at least listen to what I have to say.

If nothing else,

Thank God for that.

"Rely," (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 25th, 2011

Entry 109

I really like wolves.

Sinking

When I least expected it,

I lost my balance.

My world has gone spinning around me,

And I'm not even sure what's going on anymore.

As I fall,

I reach out with my hands,

Trying to find something,

Anything,

To grasp onto.

But there's nothing.

There's no one around to help me.

There's nothing around within my reach.

All I can do is brace myself for the fall,

Close my eyes and wait for the rush of pain

I know will come.

And when it hits,

I know I'll be slowed down.

For a few moments,

It'll seem like the world has stopped turning

And all there is,

Is the pain flowing through me.

But I know I'll be able to get up once again.

Someday, whatever day that is.

I'll be able to recover.

I know I will.

"Sinking," (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 24th, 2011

Entry 108

You guessed it... another wolf.

Terror

My thoughts deceive me yet again.

Their horrible images play again and again in my mind

In an endless loop of time.

Repeating and repeating,

Just as shocking each time.

Out of nowhere,

I slam into them at a fast speed.

There'a s loud crash, bodies go flying...

I could cause such terrible things.

It makes me so insecure,

Which makes it more likely to happen.

Even my feelings have become a part

Of this endless loop.

Time is either too slow

Or never fast enough

When it comes to my terror-stricken senses.

At some point, I need to tell myself

"I really don't care anymore."

But it's so hard...

The images, the thoughts, the nightmares...

They're all against me.

How can I defeat the endless loop?

"Terror," (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 23rd, 2011

Entry 107

Third wolf in a row.

Thoughts

I close my eyes and imagine.

I let my thoughts take control.

They overtake me, and become my dreams.

My nightmares.

For the longest time, the only thing I could do

Was let them be.

I would try to ignore them.

I'd wake up in the morning,

Recalling visions of their horrors,

And silently pull myself up

And hope I'd forget about them soon.

Trembling, suffering silently,

I'd let life run its course.

There was nothing I could do.

Things could only get worse and worse.

I've never told anyone.

Day after day,

I try and be my best.

I try and smile for everyone.

That's what they want to see.

No one wants to deal with me

And my problems;

So I don't force them upon them.

I take a deep breath

And bottle everything up.

One horrendous thing after another

Is added to the pile

And I carry it,

A burden putting all its weight on my shoulders.

Was there really a time

When I was truly happy?

I believe there was.

But my memory is a bad one

And things don't stick around for long.

But I'm not one to take pride in

Wallowing in my own misery 

And beg for pity from others.

I am too arrogant for that.

There are times when I am very happy.

My friends make me happy,

And being around them

And my family members makes life enjoyable.

But I can never escape the haunting.

The happiness is only temporary

And will eventually fade away.

In the end, I am always reminded of

Everything in life I have to be ungrateful for.

Why am I this way?

I try to be optimistic.

I try to forget everything that bothers me

And look at the bright side of things.

Sometimes, I really do.

But I always remember what there is in life

That I hate;

And when I hate, I really hate.

A burning passion,

Fiery and resentful,

Burns within my soul

For everything I dislike in the world.

It's an effect of the burden

I carry from the nightmares

That I live with day to day.

And now I am scared.

These burdens are disrupting my life.

They're changing me, and I hate change.

I've never shown anyone who I truly am.

Because I'm afraid.

I want to be completely myself around others.

But I can't.

I carry a silent burden.

I let all the hate,

All the misery,

Gather up inside me.

And I take it out on myself.

And I hate myself.

Because in the end,

That's all there is left to blame.

I don't know how to cry out for help.

I don't know what kind of help I even need.

I'm just miserable.

I don't even know why anymore.

I enjoy thinking,

But thinking makes me miserable.

It gives my nightmares.

I'd like to be able to ponder things again

Without becoming so sad.

Every time I open my mind to the world

And let my mind wander,

The thoughts come back to haunt me

And make me depressed.

I used to love deep thought so much before 

I realized it was the cause of all my problems.

My nightmares.

Do I need help?

What is wrong with me?

Why are my own thoughts slowly killing me?

But I don't know what to do.

Suffering silently is all I've done

So it's all I know.

"Thoughts," (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 22nd, 2011

Entry 106

And another wolf.

Test

I thought I would do okay,

And I still think I will.

I think I did.

But I could do much better,

And I've shown that I really need improvement.

But this isn't practice anymore.

It's the real test.

This is it.

I feel like I need to be perfect,

But I'm not,

And there's no getting around that;

All I can think about is what I do wrong.

What can go wrong.

What I'm messing up,

And how often I mess up,

And how irritating I must be.

Why now?

Why mess up on the test?

Why couldn't I have been awful during practice?

Why do I have to fail now?

"Test," (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 21st, 2011

Entry 105

Woooolf.

Nevermind, Then

Right when I thought

Life was going to go smoothly,

And I could finally relax,

Something new came along.

Tomorrow I must conquer my fear

And swallow my nervousness.

I must step up to the plate

And face the road.

I'll be endangering the lives

Of my friend and my teacher,

Which adds more pressure.

So, nevermind, then,

I can't relax just yet.

I have to pass my test first.

"Nevermind, Then" (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 20th, 2011

Entry 104

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Relief

There's nothing to worry about.

I was cautious,

And expected the worse.

And like I knew it would,

Things could only get better.

My "realism" brought me "optimism."

I can relax now,

And take a break.

I'll let my worries wash away.

Now I can take it easy.

"Relief," (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 19th, 2011

Entry 103

Pretty field...

Tired

My body aches,

My feet drag,

And my thoughts process slowly.

My eyes begin to droop,

And my words begin to slur.

Things that are real seam like a dream

Even though I'm awake.

My cycle of sleep

Is out of whack

And I've become extremely tired--exhausted.

I'll just rest my head,

Close my eyes,

And let all logical thoughts slip away.

I'll forget about any troubles I may have,

And push them off until a later date.

Then I'll fall asleep

And sleep the tired away.

"Tired," (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 18th, 2011

Entry 102

I'm kinda sorta obsessed with pillow pets...

Friends

When life gets dull,

And its events become meaningless,

It's good to be around other people.

They remind you what there is to do,

Why you love them so much,

And they reintroduce you to things

You used to be more involved in

And get you involved all over again.

It's great to be around friends;

Their presence alone is healing.

"Friends," (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 17th, 2011

Entry 101

I didn't use this picture already, did I?

Worry

I've been called a pessimist.

What I really am is a realist.

Being pessimistic is how I'm able to be optimistic.

I don't even want to consider thinking positively

Just to possibly be crushed in the end;

I'd rather be prepared for the crushing

So there's a possibility I'll be uplifted in the end.

I'm going to be depressed

Until I'm given a reason to be happy.

That way,

If something depressing comes along,

It doesn't ruin my happiness.

But if I'm happy,

It would bring me down.

I'm thinking realistically.

Why can't people see things in a different light?

"Worry," (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 16th, 2011

Entry 100

Yay~

Landmark

So many times I've thought about giving up,

Or I've put my work off,

Saying "I'll do it later"

And not wanting to at all.

But I've kept at it,

And that's why I'm proud of myself

For reaching this landmark

And sticking with it for a long time;

I'm not done yet.

I don't know when it will end.

But I'm glad I've at least made some sort of accomplishment.

"Landmark," (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 15th, 2011

Entry 099

I still love this picture.

Expectations

From the day you're born,

You're bombarded with expectations

From everyone around you.

Your parents expect you to be a normal child

With no problems,

And they later learn

That dream gets shattered.

Your friends expect you to be perfect in grade school,

Or at least be cool, funny,

And popular.

In high school you're expected to learn how to drive,

Know everyone,

Be liked by everyone,

Take classes everyone else likes

And avoid the classes people think are for nerds or weird people.

As an adult you are expected to be successful,

Even if the previous events of your life

Never set you up for it.

And when you die,

You are expected to have had a great life

And to be fulfilled.

Oh how funny the world is...

"Expectations," (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 14th, 2011

Entry 098

I took a picture, yay~

One of Them

I used to be annoyed by people,

But now it's fun to annoy them.

I'm one of them.

It's not mean, but for fun,

And I make sure they understand that in the end.

It's really fun to mess with people

When you're playing a harmless game.

Confuse them,

Mess with their minds over little things,

Or just getting in their way,

And arguing with them if they get mad.

Oh, it's fun to annoy people,

And I know I'm just being like them,

The people who sued to annoy me,

But it's so fun.

It's just a harmless game.

Why not?

"One of Them," (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 13th, 2011

Entry 097

Yay. mice. Millie and Turtle.

Hope

Hope is never enough

When you're facing the real world.

Nothing's going to change if you don't take action,

But sometimes people are helpless,

And there's no action they can take.

When there's nothing you can do,

How are you supposed to go on?

When there's nowhere you can go,

What are you supposed to tell yourself?

Are you going to lie to yourself?

Give yourself false hopes?

Just saying "everything will be okay in the end" is a false hope.

Sometimes, things aren't okay.

So why do we tell ourselves that it's okay?

There's no such thing as hope

Outside of dreams.

Hope itself is a dream

Everyone sees when they sleep.

Hope is a lie.

Hope can't help you.

Being hopeful only means

You hit the ground harder in the end.

"Hope," (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 12th, 2011

Entry 096

Who doesn't love baby ducks?

Drive

I'm getting a little better. 

Nine more days until I'm tested,

And I'm not completely happy with it,

But I'm a little better.

I'm not as scared,

But I still am.

I don't like driving,

But I have to pass the test...

So I'll offer to drive you if it's not too far,

But I won't like it.

"Drive," (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 11th, 2011

Entry 095

America wants their ice cream. Now.

Legend

Stories of those who don't exist

Find their way into our minds,

Root themselves, and bask in our imaginations.

They don't let us forget them,

And to us they become real,

Almost to the point where we can see them,

When they don't exist.

They then become distant,

Like a memory,

But they are just a legend;

Their untold stories die within us

And they die with them

When we ignore them.

The legends must be discovered,

Explored and documented,

Shared, and then they will be satisfied.

They come to us for a reason.

They need us,

For only we can make them visible to the rest of the world.

"Legend," (c) Rebecca Grapentine, June 10th, 2011